I decided to torture myself and watch an hour of local Atlanta news, write down the major stories and then try to make sense of what they told me. Yes, this does imply that I do not have a life.
1) A California judge negated Proposition 8 and a historic 59% majority California vote.
What I thought: My head hurts. Can one judge overrule 7 million votes? Is that good or is that bad? (Lots of thinking. Gee, my head hurts even more.) Some gay men have very carefully sculpted hair. That’s a chick? Does this mean public school teachers can go to work in drag? Gay bars sometimes have interesting decor.
What I learned: I want a moosehead with a pink boa draped around its neck.
2) Kagan confirmed to the Supreme Court.
What I thought: Nancy Pelosi is attempting to smile which looks kinda weird. The Republicans look dismayed and discombobulated. Obama has two Supreme Court nominees in less tha 21 months. I had no idea that you could be on the Supreme Court with no judicial experience. She seems likable. There are now no Protestants on the Supreme Court. (good or bad, I dunno, but worthy of debate.)
What I learned: High Court justices are often not very good looking.
3) There is a heat wave on the East Coast while the West Coast is experiencing one of the coolest summers in decades.
What I thought: Who truly knows what is going on? Computer models are deeply flawed. I kinda wish I was in Santa Cruz. (65 degrees) I wonder what my electric bill will be this month?
What I learned: Dagmar Midcap has a strange name and probably looks amazing naked.
4) Various roads in Atlanta are experiencing serious traffic problems.
What I thought: Tell me something new, bitch. I wish I had a helicopter, or at least a beater with a railroad tie for a bumper. Or one of those monster trucks with twin machine guns mounted on the hood.
What I learned: Absolutely nothing that I did not already know.
5) There was a major gas leak that caused a bunch of problems.
What I thought: Gee, there seem to be an awful lot of these. Maybe we should be more careful. That shit could hurt somebody. Are there a bunch of pirates digging willy-nilly everywhere? I’ll bet if we fined companies or made people pay for the cost of repairing there would be less of this shit. Who layed these gas lines, the Confederate Army? (Answer: yes)
What I learned: Absolutely nothing.
5) An apartment complex caught on fire.
What I thought: I’m glad I don’t share walls with dirtbag reprobates anymore. Who doesn’t understand that grills and plank siding are a problem? Should apartments require fire extinguishers? What kind of moron fires up a grill on a wood deck attached to a wood building and walks away for an extended amount of time? Are they that fascinated by Jerry Springer? Should they be allowed to drive?
What I learned: Apartment complexes are filled with idiots that can’t be trusted with matches and charcoal.
6) Gaza is a tinderbox ready to explode.
What I thought: Jews and Arabs have issues that even Dr Phil couldn’t solve. I’ve known so many superlative individuals from both camps, but collectively they are all fucking maniacs. Iran, Syria and the Saudis are sponsoring some hellish stuff. Israel often doesn’t make things any better.
What I learned: The Gaza border is recognized by the UN as official, but the Palestinians say fuck that shit Shadrach.
7) Some local kid is making a boat of sorts out of discarded plastic water bottles and wants to take it across the Atlantic.
What I thought: That kid has a lot of moxy. He is also a repressed, deluded chronic masturbator with OCD tendencies. Of course, there is some sort of braying lecture about the environment. I wouldn’t trust it on Lake Lanier. His parents look like they belong to a cult. The only way this Thor Heyerdahl wet dream makes it across the Atlantic is in the hold of some enormous tanker. Probably harmless, but could turn dangerous. Worth keeping an eye on.
What I learned: Sometimes parents encourage things that have no chance of succeeding. Shameless news hucksters often egg them on.
8) Pregnant women can develop a rare, if fatal heart condition.
What I thought: Way to go, local news. Create hysteria. Some 23 year old chick in Smyrna needs a heart transplant and you turn it into a WARNING for all expectant mothers. You should be ashamed. If an airbag deploys when you are rushing to give birth it can cause serious problems too. Is it better to speed to the hospital with or without airbags in the car? GIBBERISH.
What I learned: Local news will deliberately skew statistics in their “Health Watch” promos to get you to sit through bad car commercials.
9) Some dude in Belarus supposedly celebrated his 113th birthday.
What I thought: I want to see some official birth certificate. Homey could be 56 for all I know. All that whiffy Communist era paper isn’t worth shit. Kudos to you, Sir, for surviving untold insurrections no matter your actual age. Botox, dentistry and interior decorating has obviously never touched your fair country. A goat in the bedroom, REALLY? His wife claims to be 63 and looks older than he does. Beautiful country, but if outdoor toilets contribute to longevity, I’ll take a pass.
What I learned: The yakking jackanapes on local TV will put anything on as a closer no matter how dubious the authenticity.
What I learned overall after watching local news all the way through:
Kagan is kinda butch. Apartments are often full of idiots. The gas mains in Atlanta are either unbelievably frail or there are thousands of unsupervised idiots playing with heavy machinery. Gay bars have interesting decoration. It’s hot as fuck in Atlanta in the summer. Sometimes parents should guide their children into worthwhile hobbies instead of encouraging suicide runs. Jews and Arabs hate each other more than you can imagine. Nearly all pregnancies in this country end up well except when they don’t. Traffic sucks during rush hour. Birth certificates in Belarus are more rare than supermodels.
Most importantly, what I learned was that I wasted an hour and learned less than if I was submerged in a sensory deprivation tank. It was nuuz for the dim. A suckhole of false knowledge that pretends to expand your horizons and give you insight to the world around you, but in reality does the exact opposite.
True, the incredibly MILFy Dagmar did let me know if there was some bad weather coming my way. But, it’s nothing I couldn’t learn from my transistor radio and the local fire station horn.
I suppose there was some minor traffic info that might help me if I was running out the door.
Sadly, all the hard news was compressed into a few bites that presented less information than a local high school news paper. I learned absolutely NOTHING about Kagan and why she may or may not be important other than she is cool as hell because she is a woman. I learned NOTHING about Gaza other than some stock AP wartime travelogue type footage. I learned NOTHING about the Gay-Rights issue in California.
I’m not trying to be a dick, but I DIDN’T LEARN ANYTHING. If I depended on CBS to inform my world view I would be as hapless, clueless and ignorant as a North Korean. You could learn more details about the important issues of the day from any above average high school newspaper. That is so sad.
However, I do think I detected faint nipple bumps on Dagmar and that was fun.
Matt
john
Shawn
